You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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