my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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