Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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