yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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