1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
