better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
