Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
