Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize