you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
