She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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