I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
