I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
