I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
