Someone shit on the floor
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
