when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
