i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
