Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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