And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
