A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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