I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
