.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why can't burritos get me drunk
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
