Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
