He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
