There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
