now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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