I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize