as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
