Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
