sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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