Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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