Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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