so let's talk penis.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
