Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
