So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
