now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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