god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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