I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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