Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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