i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
