I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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