So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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