Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
