Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
