Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
