So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize