If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
