No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
