Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
