my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
