I accidentally had phone sex last night
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someone shit on the floor
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
