got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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