Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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