are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
