I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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