Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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