My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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