I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
