oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
she looked like the before picture.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
