just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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