I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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