Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize