I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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