I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
