The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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