She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
