i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
