this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
