Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
