Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
3pm strippers are depressing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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