Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
